3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
