I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
