How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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