She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
