Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
