my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
