shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
