lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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