my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
