I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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