Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When are your genitals available?
did i just pee glitter
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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