peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She bit a glass in half.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
