i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize