I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
