my soul wont recognize me after tonight
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize