i was born a porn star she said
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize