I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
