I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
