It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
