I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
