Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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