I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
