two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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