did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
