i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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