Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
