Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
