I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
