The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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