there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
