I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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