I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
