So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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