Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also, beer. Big fan.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
