I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
