you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
