i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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