i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize