He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
