i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
