I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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