remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
