The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
