I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
