I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
