Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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