I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
