I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
