My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
