I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
