If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
