She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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