why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
