well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
