at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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